Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Crashing, grieving and perfection

Today was a good day.

We haven't had a lot of those over the last year and the last few weeks with everyone being sick has been really tough on all of us. I was feeling as if we had taken a few steps back with my son's sensory issues and activity level the last few weeks, but today renewed my hope we're making improvements and progress. I am going to chalk the last few weeks up as everyone feeling off-kilter. I think (I hope) we're all getting back into our groove again and feeling better.

The last few weeks were pretty emotional for me as it seemed as if my son was spiraling out of control. We were aware enough to understand that he was not feeling well, which was probably contributing to him being more sensory seeking and more sensory defensive. It broke my heart more than any other emotion...the frustration, the completely helpless feeling. I felt like a failure as a mother, unable to help my child feel better.

It pains me to see my son so uncomfortable in his own skin. He was completely unable to sit still for more than five minutes: Crashing. Biting. Schreeching. Tantrums. (Did I mention c.r.a.s.h.i.n.g?) It felt as if all of the progress we have made with OT was quickly fading away before our eyes.

I was at such a loss. I had no idea what to do for him. I also had to grieve. Grieve the realization that my sweet boy may face challenges I will never understand. Mourn the fact that he may never outgrow some (or all) of these challenges.

We have made so much progress over the last few months, and I guess I was just a bit naive about his struggles. This is definitely going to be an ongoing learning process. No two kids are exactly the same and I am beginning to thoroughly understand the fact that there will be progress and setbacks along the way.

I love my son and my family beyond anything words could ever express. I know that my son is such an incredible gift and I am so very thankful he is mine. I think he has taught my husband and I more in the last two-and-a-half years of life than we have taught him. His strength, courage and love are unmatched.

My daughter is truly amazing as well. She is probably the most compassionate, empathetic and loving sister a kid could ever have. Her words and her presence comfort her brother constantly. When he bites her, she cries, but she is not retributive. She doesn't try to bite him back, she will simply go find his "chew stick", gives it to him and hugs him. It is as if at tw0-and-a-half, she realizes he bites her out of a physiological need, not anger. Her love knows no bounds and affection for her brother is so evident.

Watching my children together just warms my heart. I could not be more proud to have them as my children.

They are perfect in every way.

They are my heart.

Did I mention, today was a really good day?

I am so thankful for my children:

Thankful for the big and little lessons they teach me every day

Thankful for their personalities

Thankful for their loving and forgiving spirits

Thankful for who they are as little people

I'm thankful for a really good day.

What are you thankful for today? What lessons have you learned from your children? How do you handle setbacks?

1 comment:

  1. I think in some ways it's harder to have a "special needs" child when they have a "normal" twin because the differences are so obvious! But God has a purpose for each of His creations and He can use even what we would call "broken pots" in mighty ways! And it sounds like He is building a very strong and compassionate heart in that daughter of yours! You hang in there! It sounds like you're doing GREAT!